


the demon i cling to

by elysianprince



Series: kintsukuroi [1]
Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Order 66 (Star Wars), Suicide Attempt, pre-fix it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:20:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29062725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elysianprince/pseuds/elysianprince
Summary: “You know that is a path I cannot follow you down.” It felt as though the weight of the galaxy were pressing down on Obi-Wan, as suffocating as the acrid smoke hanging in the air around them.“Obi-Wan, you still don’t understand!” Anakin shouted, his fist clenched tightly at his side. “My love could not save you, only my new powers can. I refuse to lose you the way I lost my mother.”“...And I fear that I have already lost you,” Obi-Wan could barely utter the words as he fought back tears, not wanting to acknowledge the truth he had known since the moment he saw Anakin’s form in the Temple’s security recordings.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Series: kintsukuroi [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2132238
Comments: 20
Kudos: 131





	the demon i cling to

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me a few weeks ago, and I couldn't shake it, so here we are.
> 
> Thank you to my friends who encouraged me along the way, and thank you to [Is0lde](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Is0lde/pseuds/Is0lde) for your help with this fic, but also curse you for inspiring me to turn this from a one-shot into a series. 3:<
> 
> The title is from Judas by Lady Gaga.

The haunting images kept replaying in Obi-Wan’s mind, over and over, and over again, forever seared into his memory as if carved into it with the very lightsaber he watched cut down his fellow Jedi, his family. _Their family._

The sight of slain bodies littering the storied halls where he had grown up, where he had found his purpose… The halls that had been filled with light and laughter now stained with blood as it seeped into the crevices, never to be washed away. The stench of death and destruction burned his lungs where he had known peace, where he had discovered love.

His beloved, on his knee, pledging loyalty to a Sith Lord, cloak as black as the darkness that had settled over Coruscant, snuffing out the light of the Force. Thinking of the security holovid made Obi-Wan’s chest constrict painfully. He could have never imagined his light— _his Anakin_ —committing such horrors. It was unfathomable.

As Obi-Wan landed the borrowed Naboo ship on the platform, he spotted a dark, hooded figure pacing back and forth further away, aggression apparent in their clipped movements. They froze the moment they caught sight of the ship, and then quickly sprinted in his direction, their hood falling back and revealing an achingly familiar mess of curls.

_Anakin._

By the time the ramp lowered, Anakin was already there, waiting for him. Obi-Wan was barely off the ship before Anakin rushed forward and enveloped him in a hug, and for the briefest of moments, Obi-Wan forgot about the atrocities. The horror that had made itself at home in his very soul abated at the relief of seeing Anakin unharmed. There was a fleeting, bright spark in Anakin’s presence that was swiftly smothered by the murky darkness that swirled around the young man like the smoke coming off the lava surrounding them. 

A slow realization dawned on Obi-Wan as he returned Anakin’s embrace. He could barely feel Anakin in the Force, his shields an impenetrable durasteel fortress keeping even Obi-Wan out. Tentatively, Obi-Wan lowered his own shields, unmasking his presence after having kept it concealed to escape detection. He ached to feel the brilliant, comforting warmth that was his dearest one in the Force, the light that glowed with the intensity of twin suns.

He desperately needed even just a trace of reassurance that not all had been lost.

“You’re alive,” Anakin murmured into his hair, a hushed whisper like words of a prayer. He held on tighter than he ever had before, as if Obi-Wan would cease to exist unless Anakin kept him tethered to the ground. It was almost suffocating— _possessive_ —and it felt as though the darkness were sinking its claws into him. 

Obi-Wan attempted to pull away from Anakin, but his vise-like embrace kept him close. He finally met Anakin’s eyes, and impossibly, they were still blue, not the ghastly yellow that part of him expected to find boring into his soul. But they were entirely devoid of the glimmer Obi-Wan had come to love so dearly, the sparkle that always assured him that Anakin was still there at his side, the precious light the war hadn’t taken from him yet. The smile on his face was all wrong—a manic edge to it that served as a reminder of the horrors committed. This may have been Anakin, but it wasn’t _his_ Anakin.

His Anakin was dead, lying somewhere among the carnage at the Temple.

“Anakin, _what_ has happened to you, dear one?” Obi-Wan’s tone came out harsher than he intended, and Anakin tensed perceptibly at his words.

“Nothing that matters. You’re alive, you’re here,” Anakin cupped his face gently as he spoke, the starkest contrast of what those hands were capable of. “I’m doing all of this for you.”

Unbidden, the heartrending memory of Anakin kneeling before a Sith flashed in his mind, and anguish shook his core, filling every inch of Obi-Wan’s body with an indescribable despair. He couldn’t believe the words coming out of Anakin’s mouth. He didn’t want to believe them. It would shatter the fragile remains of what used to be his heart. 

Obi-Wan finally broke free of Anakin’s hold on him, taking a step back as he did. “What in Sith’s hells do you mean?”

Anakin tilted his head and furrowed his brow in confusion, the usually endearing expression eerily unsettling with the blankness in his eyes. “This was the only way to save you.” Madness began to creep through the cracks forming in Anakin’s façade. “Obi-Wan, these dreams—I can’t lose you. I _can’t.”_

“You… did this for me,” Obi-Wan repeated, though his voice rang hollow in his own ears. To trade so many lives in exchange for only one… his stomach dropped at the mere thought Anakin had done it in his name. To place a single life above all others was not simply against the oath they had sworn as Jedi, but also the very promise they had made to each other. “You—you _murdered_ our family. _For_ me?”

The smile vanished from Anakin’s face as it was replaced with fury steadily growing in its intensity. “Why don’t you understand, Obi-Wan? Do not believe the lies of the Jedi. They turned against the Chancellor, against the Republic, and gave me no choice. He’s the only one who knew how to save you.”

“You know they— _we_ —did no such thing. Our allegiance is to democracy, not a single person,” Obi-Wan protested despite the fire burning in Anakin’s eyes, ready to consume his entire being. “You have been fed lies, Anakin, but not by the Jedi.”

“What of your loyalty to me? I did everything I could for you, to keep you safe—All of this!” The Force crackled ominously around Anakin as he grasped for Obi-Wan, who sidestepped out of his reach, carefully putting more distance between them, even as it felt like a chasm that was threatening to engulf them both.

“No, this is not for me. You may have told yourself this was for me, or for love, but it’s not. Look at what you’ve done—” Obi-Wan struggled to keep his voice steady through the staggering torrent of emotions. He was unsure if they were his, or Anakin’s seeping through the fractures of his shields. “We swore to each other to be better than this, to not let our fears control us.”

For every step forward Anakin took towards him, Obi-Wan took another step back, warily keeping as much distance between them as he could, though it pained him horribly to do so. He watched as Anakin began to pace the platform, prowling like a predator waiting for the perfect moment to strike. The glowing heat of the lava reflected in Anakin’s dark eyes, a molten fury on the brink of bursting forth to burn and destroy everything in its path. Anakin’s hand strayed towards the saber resting at his hip, as if Obi-Wan needed a reminder of just how dangerous his love truly was in this state.

“You would forsake me after all I’ve done for you? After I’ve fought for us to be together? To have the power to protect you!” Anakin demanded accusingly, a sickening gleam in his eyes. “Did you ever _love_ me? Or was I only a warm body to keep you company during the war?”

Pain lanced through Obi-Wan’s chest upon hearing Anakin’s words, stealing his breath away at realizing how lost he was. “You cannot destroy everything we have fought to protect in fear of losing me. Sidious has lied to you, he played upon your fears to twist your mind and control you.”

“He cannot control me, I am more powerful than he could dream of.” The conviction in Anakin’s voice reflected his belief in his own lies. “We can overthrow the Chancellor together, shape the galaxy as we want it to be.”

“You know that is a path I cannot follow you down.” It felt as though the weight of the galaxy were pressing down on Obi-Wan, as suffocating as the acrid smoke hanging in the air around them.

“Obi-Wan, you still don’t understand!” Anakin shouted, his fist clenched tightly at his side. “My love could not save you, only my new powers can. I refuse to lose you the way I lost my mother.”

“...And I fear that I have already lost you,” Obi-Wan could barely utter the words as he fought back tears, not wanting to acknowledge the truth he had known since the moment he saw Anakin’s form in the Temple’s security recordings.

“He was right. You will never understand,” Anakin stopped pacing and fixed Obi-Wan with a soulless stare as he drew his lightsaber and ignited it. “The Jedi’s corruption is too deep within you. Their lies have turned you against me!”

“Don’t do this, Anakin,” Obi-Wan pleaded, fighting back tears even as he activated his own saber, every atom of his being screaming in protest as his blade crackled to life.

A bone-chilling screech rang through the Force as Anakin lunged forward to attack, as if the Force itself were crying out in despair at how far its son had fallen. When their sabers met, Obi-Wan’s worst nightmare felt as though it had come true as he stared into lurid, yellow eyes that had moments ago been as blue as the calming waters in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Anguish radiated off of Anakin in waves thick enough to choke on as Obi-Wan deflected Anakin’s volley of vicious blows.

His Anakin was out of reach, completely unresponsive to Obi-Wan’s pleas as he silently slashed away at him, fury burning hotter than the magma river. The only hope Obi-Wan had left was to tire Anakin out, desperately praying that his love would come to his senses if his anger was exhausted, burnt out with nothing left to feed its consuming flames.

Sparks flew in the narrow hallway as their blades carelessly carved through the metal, singeing Obi-Wan’s robes as he gave ground to Anakin, who continued to advance in a whirlwind of furious strikes. It was as though he had become darkness incarnate, fixated on a warpath to destroy everything he had once held dear.

Even so… he was still Anakin, still the other half of Obi-Wan’s soul. They were evenly matched as Obi-Wan met him move for move, parrying every slash and swing of Anakin’s saber. Even without Anakin’s presence intertwined with his own, they still moved as one warrior in a perilous dance more intimate than that of lovers. Anakin and Obi-Wan were bound together by the universe, and nothing could ever break that. Not the darkness, not a Sith Lord’s lies and manipulations—not even the act of turning against each other in an abandonment of their vows to one another.

Corpses of Separatists and demolished droids littered the floor of the control center. Obi-Wan barely spared them a glance as he defended against the seemingly endless onslaught of Anakin's attacks, letting the Force guide his steps as he weaved through the carnage and jumped onto a long table in the center of the room. Having relented to his blind fury that devoured him, Anakin gradually lost control over his own movements, his form becoming reckless and sloppy—finally resulting in an opening. Swiftly, Obi-Wan seized the opportunity to disarm Anakin, and his lightsaber clattered uselessly to the table before Obi-Wan kicked it out of Anakin’s immediate reach.

In a split second, Anakin grabbed Obi-Wan by the throat, catching him off guard as he gasped and desperately clawed at the sudden constriction. The force of the move sent them toppling over, falling to the table with Anakin landing on Obi-Wan and using the shock of the fall to pin Obi-Wan’s legs down, leaving him unable to get footing for a decent enough kick to knock Anakin away. Without hesitation, Anakin seized Obi-Wan’s other hand, using the Force to amplify his strength as he pushed Obi-Wan’s own saber closer and closer to his throat.

Anakin’s grip around Obi-Wan’s wrist felt strong enough to shatter bone, and his eyes were cold and emotionless even as the crackling plasma sizzled ever nearer to Obi-Wan’s throat, mere inches away from ending everything. The only hint of light left in his eyes was the illumination from Obi-Wan’s saber.

_I failed him._

The thought passed through Obi-Wan’s mind fleetingly as he struggled against Anakin’s overwhelming power. Somehow, he managed to loosen the hold Anakin’s mech hand had on his throat, allowing himself enough air to try to speak, though his voice still came out gasping and strangled.

“I love you.”

With his final words, Obi-Wan sent as much acceptance, compassion, _love_ as he could muster through their now silent and tattered bond. Obi-Wan’s eyes fluttered shut with a final prayer that Anakin had been able to hear his message, that he had been able to impart at least one last bit of hope and light to his Anakin, his partner in every sense—the other half of his soul.

A moment passed before Obi-Wan realized the grip around his neck and wrist loosened, and he chanced opening his eyes again, unsure of what he would find.

The brilliant blue of his saber reflected back at him in crystal clear irises, frozen wide in horror. Hesitantly, Obi-Wan thumbed off his lightsaber, but even in the darkness he could see the blue of Anakin’s eyes as they stared down at him.

In a flash, Anakin scrambled away from Obi-Wan, falling over the edge of the table in his haste. He backed himself into a corner of the room, away from the carnage, away from Obi-Wan. Anguish contorted the delicate features of his face as he looked down at his own hands in revulsion.

 _“What have I done?”_ He cried out, wretched agony lacing through his voice as he crumpled, hiding his face against his knees. The sound of it shot straight through Obi-Wan’s heart.

“Anakin?” Obi-Wan called out softly, worried even the slightest sound would startle his beloved. 

“No! Don’t—don’t come near me.” Anakin threw his hands up in warning. Tears began to streak down his cheeks, carving a path through the ash and grime coating his skin. The darkness swirling around Anakin no longer carried its lethal edge, instead sorrow permeated the Force, as though it wept with him, mourning everything that had been lost that day. 

Obi-Wan clipped his saber back onto his belt before he slipped off the table, hands raised in a non-threatening manner as he cautiously approached Anakin where he sat on the floor. Anakin clumsily scooted away with every step Obi-Wan took towards him, and it broke his heart impossibly further. Anakin was shutting him out again, but this time the pain in his red-rimmed, blue eyes made it all too real for Obi-Wan.

“Dear one, _please_ —”

“How—how could you _still_ call me that after all that I’ve done?” Anakin choked out, his breathing labored.

…Anakin was right. Obi-Wan should have turned away from him the moment he saw the security recording. He should have cut Anakin down as he was sent to do, and his failure to do so only cemented the truth he had known all along. Deep down, Obi-Wan was never the perfect Jedi he masqueraded as. His sworn oath to the Order would always come second to his love for Anakin, no matter how he had claimed otherwise, hoping to fool even himself. 

No matter what may come, Obi-Wan’s love for Anakin would always remain.

It was simply a constant of the universe.

“You must not know what I did,” Anakin started. A hint of venom tainted his voice, but the ghosts of the fallen haunted his eyes. “I killed them all, Obi-Wan. I—”

“I know.” The words left a bitter taste in Obi-Wan’s mouth. Oh, how he wished he didn’t know, how he wished he had listened to Master Yoda and not checked the security recordings. Truly, there had been nothing but pain since. If only he could erase the slaughter from his mind, for now he would live forever with the images seared into his memory.

But Obi-Wan couldn’t abandon Anakin now, not when all else was lost.

Anakin stared at him, stricken, but he stopped trying to put distance between them. Obi-Wan dropped to his knees beside him, not wanting Anakin to feel cornered. Silence fell over the two, an unsettling presence that magnified the abyss that had formed between them. Anakin was still for what seemed like an eternity, the only movement the shallow and rapid rise and fall of his chest. Anguish and regret seeped through Anakin’s all-but-shattered shields as Obi-Wan waited for his beloved, too afraid to reach out and touch him, lest it be the final blow to both of them.

Without warning, Anakin wrenched Obi-Wan’s saber from his belt in one swift move and crawled just out of arm’s reach, kneeling with his back turned to Obi-Wan. His heart leapt into his throat, fearing the worst. Obi-Wan was always too trusting of Anakin, always believing in the best of his former padawan.

He watched warily, anticipating the inevitable white hot heat of a lightsaber piercing through him, but it didn’t come. The strong lines of Anakin’s shoulders shuddered as the sound of heaving, wracked sobs reverberated through the room. Anakin was at just enough of an angle for Obi-Wan to catch the positioning of his own saber turned toward Anakin’s stomach, and Obi-Wan’s heart stopped cold as Anakin’s true intentions became clear. 

Without a second thought, Obi-Wan threw himself at Anakin, pressing his chest flush against Anakin’s back as he wrapped him in a tight embrace, leaving no room for Anakin to break free from his hold. Obi-Wan nestled his face into the smooth, sweat-damp skin of Anakin’s neck, unable to withstand the sight of Anakin’s trembling hands clenched around his own weapon—his life—poised to take that which Obi-Wan held most dear.

“If you take your life, you will have to take mine as well,” Obi-Wan’s voice was unsteady as he spoke, fighting through his own tears that made his throat tight with heartbreak. 

“...Because you’re all that’s left of it.”

The sound of Obi-Wan’s lightsaber slipping out of Anakin’s hand and clattering to the floor was cacophonous in the silence following Obi-Wan’s admission. When it seemed that the threat had subsided, Obi-Wan loosed his hold on Anakin, allowing him enough space to move, but he still remained close, as if his own light would keep the darkness within Anakin at bay. 

Slowly, yet unsteadily, Anakin turned around within the embrace of Obi-Wan’s arms and buried himself in the burnt and torn robes against his chest, fiercely clinging to Obi-Wan as a heartrending wail ripped from his lungs. Obi-Wan hid his face in Anakin’s dark curls as tears began trailing down his own cheeks, unable to hold them back any longer.

“I—I didn’t want them—to become like me,” Anakin hiccupped weakly through his sobs. 

Obi-Wan could hardly hear him with the way his robes muffled Anakin’s voice. He gently ran his hand through Anakin’s hair. “Who, darling?”

“The—the younglings. He, he wanted them, any survivors,” Anakin explained. A chill shot down Obi-Wan’s spine at the thought of what Sidious would have done with the younglings. “I, I did what I had to. To keep them from suffering a worse fate...” The words _my fate_ were left unsaid.

For once in his life, Obi-Wan found himself at a loss for words. There was nothing he could impart to Anakin to soften the pain, nothing that could be said to reassure him. He held Anakin as closely as he could, hoping it would be enough to simply shoulder the pain with him, to carry the burden together.

Anakin’s grip on Obi-Wan’s arm tightened as he continued, another round of shaking sobs rattling his lungs. “But I couldn’t lose you—the dreams—I was so _scared,_ Obi-Wan. He said I would be able to s-save you. To undo your death.”

Sluggishly, Anakin extracted himself from Obi-Wan, rubbing at his face with his sleeve as he knelt. His tangled curls had fallen into his eyes, concealing his downcast face. Obi-Wan gently brushed the hair away to reveal Anakin’s eyes—bloodshot and swollen from his tears—but the color of a clear blue sky after a storm had passed. 

As their gazes met, Anakin’s face crumpled into despair. “And—and then I tried to _kill_ you after everything. I’m a monster. You shouldn’t be near me.” Once again Anakin tried to pull away, but Obi-Wan didn’t let him. He couldn’t allow his own fears and grief to solidify such credence—even if it was the truth in that moment.

“But you didn’t,” Obi-Wan softly insisted as he took Anakin’s hands in his own. Hands that Obi-Wan knew were gentle and kind, that had saved countless lives across the galaxy. Hands that had caused so much pain—and had taken so much life. “I’m still here, and you came back to me, dear one.”

With a gentle tug, Anakin fell back into his arms, nestling his face in the crook of Obi-Wan’s neck. As Obi-Wan held Anakin, rubbing soothing circles on his back, his own tears finally broke free, trailing silently down his cheeks. _I won’t allow such a fate to come to you either,_ he wanted to tell his most precious one. But what right had he to promise Anakin anything now?

He longed to reassure Anakin, to chase Anakin’s grief away with his unconditional love and only a few words. But Obi-Wan couldn’t—he couldn’t say it was okay. There may never come a day when it would be okay. All that they had ever known was gone—taken by Anakin’s own hands, his own fear-driven decisions—but they were together. _Force,_ at least they were together. Obi-Wan wouldn’t abandon Anakin, not even after all he had done. He _couldn’t._

Obi-Wan tried to offer as much through their bond. The connection was still weak, a mere phantom of what it had once been, but the frayed strands were slowly weaving back together. In time it would be stronger, even if Obi-Wan feared it may never return to its shining, golden brilliance. But it would heal.

It _had_ to heal.

Obi-Wan wasn’t certain how long they remained like that, tangled in each other on the floor of the control center. Eventually Anakin’s breathing evened out, and he went slack against Obi-Wan, every iota of his energy exhausted with his last teardrop. The Force, too, had settled a bit, though still tinged blue with sorrow. There was an undercurrent of unease that left Obi-Wan unsettled, like a warning rippling through the galaxy. They had already stayed there far too long, and the victor was coming to claim his prize. With Anakin in his current condition, he and Obi-Wan wouldn’t stand a chance—not against the Sith who orchestrated the entire war.

“We have to go, Anakin,” Obi-Wan said urgently as he moved to get up from the floor.

Anakin shook his head. “He’ll hunt us down no matter where we go. You’re safer without me,” he insisted, looking imploringly at Obi-Wan with puffy, red-rimmed eyes.

“No, I refuse to leave you here.” Obi-Wan helped pull Anakin up off the floor, supporting him when his legs wobbled with fatigue. “If Sidious finds you, he will make you his slave. Do not allow him to make you less than you are.”

“It is what I deserve for what I’ve done,” Anakin attempted to argue, though his eyes were wide with panic.

“Anakin, please. I cannot bear the thought of being without you again,” Obi-Wan pleaded with him, holding on to Anakin’s hands as tightly as he dared. “Come with me.”

“But where will we go?”

“I do not know,” Obi-Wan answered truthfully. “But we’ll be together. Right now that’s all that matters.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I promise their story will continue.
> 
> You can find me at [elysian-prince ](https://elysian-prince.tumblr.com/) on tumblr and also [elysianprince](https://twitter.com/elysianprince) on twitter.


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